Dwarf Feud
by FantasySci5
Summary: It's the Family Feud tv show, except it's the Red Dwarf characters! Funny things, all the way through! You don't have to know Family Feud, to enjoy this!
1. Meeting the 'Families'

Dwarf Feud

Hello! This is a Red Dwarf version of the Family Feud! If you haven't seen the show...don't panic! The 'host' explains everything!

Um...I'm American, and I don't know British money, so what is mentioned is American money.

I don't own Red Dwarf, or the Family Feud. I'm not making any money. And, since the characters are not real, they don't get any real money, either.

* * *

"Hello, and welcome to the special episode of the Family Feud, Dwarf Feud! I'm your announcer!" 

"Today, two families are here on the good ship, Red Dwarf, to fight for $20,000!"

"We have the Dwarf Posse Family!" 5 Contestants clap and jump up and down.

"And we have the Different Dimension Family!" Other 5 contestants clap and jump up and down.

"And here is the host of our show. Taking time out of offering toast, so it could host. Made by CRAPOLA INC. The most annoying product on the shelf, but will always get you a piece of toast, whether you want it or not...Talkie Toaster!"

Light comes on the newer recreation of Talkie Toaster. Bright red, with knobs, and the eject lever moves down every time it talks. "Howdy doodly do! How's it going? I'm Talkie -- Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?"

"Ah...no. Not right now. But, we do have two families to meet!" The announcer replies uncomfortably.

"Well, I can't really shake your hands, so just go down the line, and say who you and your team are. The Dwarf Posse Family first, please!" Talkie chirps.

A Scouser, with a rock outfit, and long dreadlocks. "Lister." Lister points down the row. "And this is our resident Smeg Head, also dead, the hologram Rimmer." Rimmer is wearing his emerald green suit, (3rd Series) which flickers to his red suit (5th Series). It seems like the hologram is having a bit of trouble with his hard light drive.

"A bit of technical difficulties." Rimmer mutters in his microphone.

"And that is the best dressed person that is in here, Cat." Lister says dully, as if it was written down and rehearsed, which it was. Cat is wearing his white and black zebra coat, with the pinkish and black slick suit underneath (Like in the 4th Series).

"That is our computer, who is senile, but had an IQ of 6,000, Holly!" It is a boy head, that is balding and has gaped teeth. (2nd Series)

"And, bringing up the rear, is our mechanical service droid, Kryten!" Kryten is...Kryten. (In the 5th Series).

"And how about the Different Dimension Family!' Talkie shouts.

A blonde, with a sweep of fringed hair, is wearing a pilot outfit. "Hello, Talkie!" Ace Rimmer waves to the toaster, then smiles to the camera. The girl part of the audience, with a few men, start to go crazy.

"Howdy, Ace! Thanks for taking time out of saving the universes and dimensions to take part in our game! Please, introduce us to the rest of your family."

Ace points down the line. "The gorgeous, delicious lady standing next to me is Kristine Kochanski. Hopped another dimension to be here today!" A tall girl with long brown hair curled up, waves shyly. She is wearing tight red leather.

"Now, we are the only ones from different dimensions, but we brought 3 other people with us today." Ace continues.

"That stunning dork, but the cutest guy on the market, Duane Dibbley!" A geeky guy, with a plastic green jacket, and short hair, with bucked teeth waves back, with a silly smile on his face.

"And that beautiful hologram standing next to him, top of the line flight coordinator, now in hard-light form, Nirvanah Crane!" A pretty woman who is wearing a red uniform, waves at the camera. She has long red hair that is pinned up, and a large 'H' in a large circle, on her forehead.

"And last, the best green blob anywhere, but can also be the image of your perfect mate. To preserve the sanctity of the show, she will appear as her real form. I give you...Camille!"

A large green blob with a stalk with an eyeball on the end, waves it's tentacle at the crowd.

The camera swivels to see 3 members of the Dwarf Posse looking at the Different Dimension Family with their mouths open. Lister raises his hand and says, "That's not fair! You got our girls over there!" Rimmer and Kryten nod furiously. Camille, Kochanski , and Nirvanah smirk.

"Well, we met our families, and now it's time to play the Feud!" Talkie chirps!

* * *

I got some funny things planned! And new, you get to decide who wins! You let me know what team you want to win, and who ever gets the most 'votes', will win! 


	2. Beginning

Dwarf Feud

"Let's play...the Feud!" Talkie chirps. Audience claps as Lister and Ace walk up to a little podium in front of a large board, where the answers appear. They shake hands, then place their left hand flat on the table.

"First family to get to 300 points, will get a chance at $20,000. Top two answers on the board." 2 bars are on the board, that say 1 and 2.

"Good luck. First question: Would anyone like any toast!" There is a slight pause, then both hands fly for the red button. Ace's side lights up first. "Yes." Talkie lights up, then a piece of toast pops out of his tray. "Number one answer!"

A crewman runs out on the floor, and whispers something to Talkie. "What do you mean, 'That's not a question.'!" Talkie shouts angrily. "It's the answer to the ultimate question. Our existence hinges on the correct answer of this difficult question!"

Another crewman runs on stage, and whispers to the other crewman. They bend over to tell the toaster something. "Your going to replace me!" Talkie yells in concern. "Wait! I can change, I won't ask if anyone wants any toast." Talkie says in defeat. The crewmen nod, then hurriedly leave the stage.

Talkie grunts, then says, "Top two answers are on the board." Talkie suddenly cheers up, and looks to see that both contestants are ready. "The question is: Does anyone want any muffins?" The crewmen run back onstage, followed by a producer. "What!" Asks Talkie. "Fine; Does anyone want any waffles? How about pancakes!" The people shake their heads, then pick up the red appliance.

"You can't replace me! We had a contract!" Buzzes Talkie. The manager walks over to Duane Dibbley, and whispers in a low voice.

"Huh..." The announcer clears her throat (and yes, the announcer is me...) as she watches the red appliance being set down on the contestant table where Duane was. Duane walks to where Talkie was.

"It seems that we have changed hosts! I'm proud to introduce, Duane Dibbley!" The announcer announces. "Talkie will be a contestant on the Different Dimension Family."

"Okay." Duane stutters, as he walks up to where Lister and Ace are still shifting uncomfortably at the pedestal.

"The first family to 300 points will get a chance to win $20,000. 100 fans of the Red Dwarf show were interviewed for the answers, who are our audience today. Top 4 answers one the board. What do you wear, when trying to capture a polymorph?"

Lister's hand buzzes the buzzer first. "What I happen to be wearing."

"Let's see. Is it what you happen to be wearing at the time?" Duane points to the board, and the #1 spot flips around, to show 'clothes at the time' 87 (People out of the 100).

Lister turns around to see if his family wants to play or pass. Cat is waving madly, but the others don't look too sure. "Are you going to play or pass?" Duane asks. "Play." Lister goes back to his table. "The Dwarf Posse Family is playing!" Duane walks over, and shakes Rimmer's hand. "What do you wear, when trying to capture a polymorph?"

Rimmer looks blank, and just stares. "Uh..." Rimmer stutters, but the buzzer sounds, and a large red 'x' shows up on the screen. "Oh, out of time." Duane says, moving to Cat, who is checking himself out in a tiny portable mirror.

"Something that pops, so the polymorph will be too busy looking at me, to see what else is happening." Cat says as he puts away his mirror, which he gets out a second later. Duane points at the board. "Something that pops!

The #3 slot flips over, showing 'Bright color' 4. Cat jumps up and down, then checks that that action didn't mess up his hair.

Duane moves to Holly, who is bobbing his head. "Alright, dudes; I got this. Seeing if you look at me, and I have no body, I'll say nothing!" Duane laughs, nodding his head. "Let's see if it's up there. Nothing!" The #4 slot flips, saying 'Nothing' 3.

"Well, seeing that most everybody else has only heads, I bet the 3 people who voted that have no bodies!"

Duane moves to Kryten. "If you get this right, your team will have swept the board. If not, it's your second strike. What do you wear while polymorph hunting?"

Kryten chews on his artificial plastic lip, then says, "Clothes that are ironed." Duane laughs, then says, "If it ain't ironed, you ain't catchin' the polymorph! Let's see if it's up there! Clean clothes!"

After a second, the buzzer sounds, and another red 'x' is shown on the screen, next to the first 'x'. Duane moves back up to Lister. "Your team has 2 strikes. If you get this, you've swept the board. If not, it's your third strike, and the Different Dimension Family gets a chance to steal."

Lister sucks on one of his dreadlocks, then says, "Something old, and can get messy or dirty." Duane points to the board as he says, "Something old."

The 2nd spot flips over, showing 'Something Old' 6. The Dwarf Posse Family jumps up and down, while the Different Dimension Family claps.

"The Dwarf Posse has 100 points, but it's still anyone's game. After this short commercial break, we will see if they can go for it all!

* * *

The 'short commercial break' is actually till I put the next chapter in. 


End file.
